Welcome to the very first blog post on my brandy spankin’ new tommyzman website. I’ve been doing so much writing, blogging, web work and creative for everyone else that I finally decided it was time to let loose a barrage of mental flatulence of my own doing. Many of you are fans of my daily FaceBook posts, which are basically just bite-sized snippets of what’s actually fermenting in my dank and polluted brain.
This weekly blog will expose me for the old school Cromag that I am – a down to earth guy with traditional values – family and friends mean everything, and your integrity is all that you really have. I long for the days when a man was the king of his castle, and you could enjoy smoking a premium cigar, a plate full of charred carcass, and a belt of single malt scotch without being looked upon like a god damned disease infested pariah.
A few facts about me… I was born the son of a cock-fight referee in a remote boron mining village just outside of Warsaw. Uncle Stosh was in the Polish mafia and would bring me along in my stroller to do collections. I’d watch as the bastid would threaten to break his own thumbs while the deadbeats looked on in horror (definitely more of a dumbass than a wiseguy.) It was then that my parents fled the land of polka to chase the American Dream, all in hopes that one day their baby boy would become a world renown cigar blogger. Since early childhood, I’ve been attracted to many of the finer things in life – I started on Cuban smokes at age three, cuz it made me look like a bad ass and chicks dug it. Forever attracted to the allure of an older woman, while my buddies were oogling the sixth grade cheerleaders, I was too damned busy checking out their moms. A definite junior pervert in training, I take full credit for inventing the milf. (Raquel Welch is my longtime fave. Check out her photo at 68 years old… oh baby, come to papa…)
On the slightly more serious side… my disdain is over the top for those who spread the malignance of political correctness. Our entire country is becoming a soft-bellied cavern, full of oversensitive douchebags who think they speak for the majority, and I can tell you that they are sadly mistaken. They want to eliminate games like dodgeball from phys ed classes because the slow, the obese, and the weak will be targeted. I say that learning to survive in a controlled hostile environment at a young age is actually good training for those who will one day face the horribly cruel and unfair sucker punches that life will assuredly deliver. In plain English – growing a sack early on will produce R.O.I that is invaluable.
In most recent days, we witnessed an act of oversensitivity that mystified many of us beyond all reproach. Our government gave Osama Bin Laden – the most heinous murdering beast since Adolph Hitler – a burial that was dignified and proper in accordance with his religion. Why – tell me why we are so goddamned concerned about offending people who want every single one of us Americans dead? Why do we walk on political eggshells, worrying that the world will think any less of us? If I can be frank here for just a moment… this kind of p.c. pandering makes America – the world’s supposed reining super power – look like a bunch of panty wearing, tea-toddling, tap dancing pussies. But hey, that’s just me.
Holy shit, Zman, that was awfully hardcore for a guy that claims to be a happy-go-lucky humorist. Yeah, well, I think somebody lined my jockstrap with sand paper cuz I’m not having that, you know… very fresh feeling. If I seem a little edgy, it’s because that crazy old shitbag, Harold Camping won’t give me my worldly possessions back. Hey, I did my part… erecting billboards and standing in front of my lime green Yugo in the Walmart parking lot, warning people about the all-consuming fireball that was supposed to strike at 5:59 pm. No earth cracking quakes, no souls snatched towards the heavens, no zombies parading down main street, no day after tomorrow… nuthin’. Worst fucking rapture ever.
The goal of this new blog/website is to entertain and share some laughs while connecting with those who share a common bond. And what I really need you to do is to add your own thoughts here – join my little community of Social Cromags by signing up for the blog (look up in the top right corner,) then post your comments and become a regular. I’ve got my Cigar Pick of the Week, ZMan-Food Recipes and a a whole lot of other good stuff to get your testosterone pumping!
Coming up: Part 2 of this raucous rant, as I take some full cut swings at lifetime politicians, smoke Nazis, and whatever else passes though my encrusted dome. So, let’s have some fun, kick some asses that need to be kicked, and by all means, smoke ‘em if ya gottem.
Keepin’ It Real,
Social Cromag Extraordinaire